she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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