I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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