I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
His nipple licking is glorious
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