You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
