I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
