Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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