I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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