this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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