he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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