i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
