I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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