Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
