Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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