Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize