After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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