Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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