Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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