dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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