my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You were trust falling into bushes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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