Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize