just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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