FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
