I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize