Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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