Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
