I can text with my tongue
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
