We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
