I haven't been this sober since birth.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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