You made me cry and you don't even care
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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