yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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