shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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