saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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