i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
