How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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