I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
