she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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