woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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