I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
