Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
