i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
