I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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