In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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