Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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