this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
