I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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