hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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