That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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