break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
