I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
