I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's never too late to be topless.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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