your thong is hanging out like whoa
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
