ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
