I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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