Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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