I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
