Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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