I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
