dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
