I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize