I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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